Wednesday, 18. March 2015
Two sides of a Coin
ell, 17:06h
I have long ago noticed that I am basically two people. Not as in split personality, more like two different sides of one personality. Although that doesn't really hit it, as they seem to be completely opposite.
The closest thing I can relate it to would maybe be an imperfectionally joined Trill with the personality of the host and that of the symbiont constantly batteling each other for superiority, with each occasionally winning or loosing the fight.
On one side there is the Me, most people know. Always smiling, selfconfident, calm and harldy ever paniking, who can improvise and basically lives for The show must go on. She's someone you can basically put on a stage and entertain people if all else fails. She is creative in more than one way, generally organized and chaotic only when she wants to be. When something doesn't work out she'll find a way t make it so and she'll take the lead if no one else does. There are situations when she is nervous, too, but over all she usually stays in control. Most of the times she doesn't really care much about other people and their oppinions. She does things her way for her reasons, but is also open for good arguments.
And then there is the other Me. She's the little girl sitting alone in the back row. Shy and unsure of herself, she is afraid of new things. She needs everything organized, yet is clumsy and chaotic in more way than one. Often she forgets things or doesn't know what to do. Then she panics easily and when things go south, she often breaks up in tears. She's a sentimental loner, socially awkward with no group dynamics, few friends and often alone.
Most of the time those two sides coexist more or less harmonically, and I don't say that it would be better without the second one, but sometimes the 'other' Me blocks out the first one completely. I believe that there are certain triggers to it, but I can't really define yet, what they are. And I know that when it happens, things get unpleasant.
The closest thing I can relate it to would maybe be an imperfectionally joined Trill with the personality of the host and that of the symbiont constantly batteling each other for superiority, with each occasionally winning or loosing the fight.
On one side there is the Me, most people know. Always smiling, selfconfident, calm and harldy ever paniking, who can improvise and basically lives for The show must go on. She's someone you can basically put on a stage and entertain people if all else fails. She is creative in more than one way, generally organized and chaotic only when she wants to be. When something doesn't work out she'll find a way t make it so and she'll take the lead if no one else does. There are situations when she is nervous, too, but over all she usually stays in control. Most of the times she doesn't really care much about other people and their oppinions. She does things her way for her reasons, but is also open for good arguments.
And then there is the other Me. She's the little girl sitting alone in the back row. Shy and unsure of herself, she is afraid of new things. She needs everything organized, yet is clumsy and chaotic in more way than one. Often she forgets things or doesn't know what to do. Then she panics easily and when things go south, she often breaks up in tears. She's a sentimental loner, socially awkward with no group dynamics, few friends and often alone.
Most of the time those two sides coexist more or less harmonically, and I don't say that it would be better without the second one, but sometimes the 'other' Me blocks out the first one completely. I believe that there are certain triggers to it, but I can't really define yet, what they are. And I know that when it happens, things get unpleasant.
... comment
quadrotriticale,
Wed 2015-03-18 17:11
&I love them both.
...had a bad day, too? Or was this just for general knowledge?
... link
ell,
Wed 2015-03-18 18:18
Half & Half
a) My class is really starting to annoy me. It's the whole lone-wolfe thing all over again.
b) I had a half-a-year-is-nearly-over-talk with one of my teachers today and got all of that shoved in my face again such as:
I'm having a hard time integrating myself into the class (not harder than some others, and I believe by now I am somewhat accepted, which still changes nothing about the fact that I'm not part of any of the small groups that inevitably seem to form after some time and I've not been out with anyone from my class since that Thursday night).
I obviously can't say no if someone asks me to do something (and I know that problem).
And most of all: For some reason my teache obviously thinks I have a problem with speaking in front of the class, which allways has been something I thought I am relatively good at, because we had a talk recently, where I stumbled over words like 'epidemiologically' (and honestly, if that's not a word you can stumble over, what is?) She honestly told me I should practice that a little more since we will have to do more talks and presentations in the future...
b) I had a half-a-year-is-nearly-over-talk with one of my teachers today and got all of that shoved in my face again such as:
I'm having a hard time integrating myself into the class (not harder than some others, and I believe by now I am somewhat accepted, which still changes nothing about the fact that I'm not part of any of the small groups that inevitably seem to form after some time and I've not been out with anyone from my class since that Thursday night).
I obviously can't say no if someone asks me to do something (and I know that problem).
And most of all: For some reason my teache obviously thinks I have a problem with speaking in front of the class, which allways has been something I thought I am relatively good at, because we had a talk recently, where I stumbled over words like 'epidemiologically' (and honestly, if that's not a word you can stumble over, what is?) She honestly told me I should practice that a little more since we will have to do more talks and presentations in the future...
... link
ell,
Wed 2015-03-18 19:13
At least that I can rely on
However I'm here a little more voluntarily then you are, I believe. And I'll still be stuck with the same 28 people for the next two and a half years...
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quadrotriticale,
Wed 2015-03-18 22:21
Could Be Worse
at least there's no criminal mastermind after you. or some evil super-human that you once marooned on some lonely planet.
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ell,
Fri 2015-03-20 08:28
The poor thing is
even if there was, no one around here would understand it.
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... comment
